Monday, May 2, 2011

Short Story First Draft

He was slimy, green and wet. He was mine. I had managed to convince my first grade teacher to give me the class pet turtle for break. He was perfect, the most beautiful box turtle a seven year old could ask for. I had watched him many times before burrowing under wood chips, wading in the small water bowl or nibbling on a strawberry, thinking about how much I would like to have him as a pet. Sweet talking Ms. Leonard only promoted my efforts to make him my own. My parents we excited at my enthusiasm that they also hopped on the box turtle band wagon. My father paid a visit to the local pet shop and purchased a turtle habitat which he later installed in the backyard harden that same day. My mother ventured out to the public library and withdrew various book concerning turtle care and maintenance. The afternoon I brought him home I was as thrilled as ever. He had no name as I can remember but he had found a small place in my heart. As the night fell and I could no longer remain outside or awake with my turtle. It was time to leaving him alone outside in his new turtle habitat mad especially for him. As I laid down in my bed listening to the soft sounds of nature pouring in from the open windows. I could only think of how much I wanted to be with my turtle, how much I would love him. Sunrise seemed to take years to arrive and once I awoke, I immediately woke my parents. I sleepily shuffled down the stairs and ran out to the back yard. To my surprise, my turtle was not in the same spot of which I had left him. In fact he was no where to be found in his tiny habitat. I informed my parents of this discovery and they began to search for the little critter. Eventually, my mother cried out that she had found the turtle, only to be followed by a small squeal of disgust. I soon learned that my mom believed that she did find the turtle that is until she picked up the empty shell, free of any turtle. The barren holes of which were ones occupied by four little legs and a little head were now left open. It seemed as if the raccoon and opossum that over populated my yard during the midnight hours managed to get to my turtle before I could.

3 comments:

  1. You need to add some more emotion at the end of the story. How did it make you feel when you found out your beloved turtle had got eaten? What did you tell the teacher when you went back to school? Inform us more of your emotion and develope the end even more.

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  2. Correction:
    "My father paid a visit to the local pet shop and purchased a turtle habitat which he later installed in the backyard *garden? that same day."
    "It was time to *leave? him alone outside in his new turtle habitat *made? especially for him."
    "As I laid down in my bed listening to the soft sounds of nature pouring in from the open windows,* I could only think of how much I wanted to be with my turtle, how much I would love him."
    Maybe you can develope a setting and the characters a little better.
    I think towards the end you should add on, build up more mystery.
    This is an overall good start to your story though. =]

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  3. What break?
    "Thrilled as ever" - I probably would not use that
    This is a sad story. I love turtles.
    The story could use a little more detail. And decribe how you felt to find just a shell with no turtle inside.

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